Relationship Conflicts: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Unmet needs and the troubles that follow

The Good: Conflict in relationships is unavoidable but is very important. The conflict experience can actually be an opportunity to connect and build relationship resilience. Is it really about not taking out the trash or folding the laundry? It’s often a deeper issue of strife and disconnection. Conflict is the least enjoyable part of being in a relationship but it can offer insight into how we are thinking via our communication, which is greatly influenced by our emotions. When couples are able to navigate away from surface issues and truly understand the core concern, they are able to build a connection to each others needs. Our core needs being our need for connection to our partner, feeling understood, and receiving empathy. This allows for a sense of security, connection, and predictability in moments of future conflict. Our interdependence on one another will almost always impede when our goals or needs do not align. However, these misalignments do not need to be avoided or cause further disconnection. The Bad: In the heat of the moment it is often difficult to listen with an open mind and seek deeper meaning of the conflict. We are often met with our own feelings or “hot emotions,” which can lead to defensiveness, irrationality, and reactive responses. This further creates disconnection and wounding to our partner and diminished sense of connection. Often the core issue is never resolved even if the immediate source of conflict is. This can lead to higher conflict intensity each time there is a disagreement. Unfortunately, we can interpret our partner’s frustration with us as illogical or dramatic. Our interpretation of the event can lead us to respond defensively which creates a barrier to empathetic understanding of our partners frustrations and underlying needs. This in turn perpetuates disconnection, resentment, and avoidance. This level of disharmony will result in negative expectations of our partner and decrease feelings of fondness towards them. Through the cycle of conflict we can become conditioned to anticipate hostility and in response protect ourselves by withdrawing or fighting. The Ugly: Repeatedly failing to connect during conflict creates a negative relationship theme. A theme in which we feel a loss of autonomy and our connection to our partner is fractured. Our sense of safety and trust are diminished. On one hand, we have the need for belonging and a loving environment. On the other, we have the need for autonomy, the freedom to openly express ourselves, and to feel respected and heard. When these needs are not met, we often express feelings of disappointment, sadness, disgust, fear, and anger. When we feel we can no longer be vulnerable with our partner, this will prompt us to cope by submitting, withdrawing or arguing. In this repeated cycle, our attitudes towards our partner change. We will become increasingly defensive, resentful, and contemptuous. We may stonewall in order to protect ourselves and act in anticipation of these negative emotions. We lose trust in our partner and the sense of hope that the conflict may be resolved at all. What can we do to remedy this type of pattern? The first step is recognizing conflict as an opportunity to share our thoughts and emotions with the one we love. It is important to remain curious and interested in our partners process during conflict. It is an opportunity to reinforce kindness, trust, understanding and empathy. Couples are often focused on content, or WHAT they are talking or arguing about rather than the process. These conflicts can be sex, money, kids, family, or household chores. The process is HOW a couple is talking to each other. The HOW should be the focus. With mastery of the process, the content doesn’t matter. This is tricky and often requires the help of a seasoned couples therapist. Through my propriety approach, I can help you navigate these unresolved conflicts and the burden of the mental load.

Paul B. Sheesley, MA, LPC, LCPC, LCADC 410-245-4547 info@paulsheesleylcpc.com