Steps to Save Your Relationship: One Conflict at a Time.
Every conflict is an opportunity to connect
Relationships can present challenges that demand commitment and dedication from both partners to ensure its success. Besides lack of commitment and infidelity, the third most common reason for divorce is excessive arguing and conflict, contributing to 58% of divorces. Over time, conflicts in relationships can erode even the strongest bonds, resulting in a gradual loss of intimacy and connection. Communication plays a vital role in maintaining this connection with our partner. It is essential to address issues promptly to prevent further complications, such as resentment and contempt. If communication breakdowns persist and our needs are left unmet, leading to a sense of instability and disconnection, the relationship will falter.
Frequently, in times of conflict, we encounter intense emotional reactions triggered by our fears, traumas, or insecurities. Due to the difficulty of facing these emotions directly, we tend to display secondary emotions like anger, annoyance, defiance, avoidance, or withdrawal. These secondary emotions act as a shield, dominating our thinking process. Consequently, it becomes challenging to listen to and validate the other person, as we are preoccupied with justifying or defending our stance. This results in disconnect and a sense of insecurity within our relationship.
Establishing a strong and meaningful connection requires dedication, personal development, and a readiness to address conflict situations, turning them into opportunities for emotional connection. Conflict plays a crucial role in relationships as it often expresses significant needs and provides a pathway for emotional closeness. Each conflict, even the challenging ones, presents an opportunity to deepen mutual understanding. Whether the disagreement arises from minor issues like household chores or parenting styles, what matters most is how a couple can uncover the underlying emotions and meanings during the process.
Here are five steps to maintain emotional connection during conflicts and prevent escalation:
Express Feelings:
- This step aims to list only the emotions you experienced during the event.
- Avoid explaining the reasons behind your feelings or making any comments about your partner’s emotions.
- Allow each other to express the feelings they experience during the event. I felt….angry, rejected, misunderstood, under appreciated and I responded stubbornly.
Identify the trigger, share realities, and validate:
- Each of you will take a turn being the speaker and the listener, the goal is to share your own reality of what occurred during the event.
- Make sure you both use “I” statements, express what you experienced and what you needed during the event.
- Once the partner has finished speaking paraphrase what you heard them say, NOT what you believed they meant.
- Validate their experience and offer empathy. Remember validation is not agreeing or conceding.
- Switch and repeat until everyone feels they have been understand and validated.
Express the need & meet the need:
- Know Your Needs and reflect on what you need from your partner. Do you need more quality time, reassurance, physical affection, or emotional support?
- Clarify your need, “it is really important to me that we blank, because that is what I need to feel…. Instead of saying “I need more attention,” specify what that looks like for you.
- Explain and share why these needs are important to you. For example, “When you show affection, I feel special in our relationship and more connected to you.”
- Be open to feedback as your partner might have their own needs and perspectives. Be open to discussing these and finding a balance that works for both of you.
Taking Responsibility:
- When tensions arise in relationships, it’s important to acknowledge your role in the conflict.
- Taking responsibility for your actions and words is vital for repairing strained relationships.
- Identifying factors contributing to miscommunication, taking ownership, and offering apologies are crucial steps.
- Both parties acknowledged apologies and recognized when the situation escalated.
- A sincere apology has the power to heal wounds caused by disagreements.
- Recognizing how our behavior affects our partner and committing to positive change is key.
- If apologies are not accepted, communicate the needs of each party during conflict resolution.
Preventative Planning:
- Have an open conversation with your partner.
- Share one improvement for discussing the issue better next time.
- Suggest one improvement your partner could make.
- Focus on positive and actionable requests.
- Discuss constructive ways to handle disagreements if they arise in the future.
- Emphasize positive and actionable requests rather than criticism.
By recognizing the role of conflict in relationships and acknowledging the consequences of unprocessed disagreements, individuals and couples can begin to address their issues and avoid turning their love life into a never-ending soap opera. Open, safe, and honest communication are key components in this process. When both parties feel heard and understood, it fosters a sense of empathy and connection. Moreover, seeking to understand each other’s perspectives without judgment can pave the way for deeper intimacy and trust.
In addition to talking things out, it may be beneficial to seek the guidance of a professional, such as an expert therapist in couples counseling. These experts can provide tools and strategies to navigate difficult conversations and help build healthier communication patterns. They can also offer a neutral space where both individuals feel safe to express their feelings and concerns
.
